At A Moments Notice...

"Wait...now close your eyes and make a wish..."

I’ve been in love before, have you? I’m talking about love, love; that good shit…that Master P ‘bout it, ‘bout it shit. The kind of love that has you questioning and wondering and worrying and feeling all types of emotions you never knew your body could feel.

Been hurt before too. I’m talking hurt, hurt; broke down can’t eat, can’t sleep hurt. The type of hurt that never really goes away…the kind men like me never ever talk about. That speechless hurt.

I’ve been lied to, lied on, cursed, hated, longed for, beaten, cheated on, forgotten, lost, empty, shallow, passive, aggressive, celibate, foolish, selfish, crazy, abusive, misunderstood, labeled, careless, afraid even belligerent but, I’m here. I’m still living. I’m still loving. I’m still breathing.

Nobody said life was supposed to be easy. Yet somehow at an early age I developed this widely unsupported theory that life was supposed to be filled with more ups than down; more joys than sorrows; more life than death. I coerced myself into believing: if I did right by people they would undoubtedly do right by me. Unknowingly I set myself up for a fall I was not ready to take; a fall from which I’m still recovering.

But I’m growing ya’ll. I’m growing…

The last few weeks I have been feeling the pressures of life…so much so it has affected almost every aspect of my life. But isn’t it always that way? You wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or have an argument with a friend, or receive some ill-timed bad news, and suddenly it seems everything as we know it begins falling apart. Everything suddenly shifts…

I’m the type of person that holds everything in. And though this blog is partially meant to air some of my dirty laundry, I must admit I don’t always share my most personal thoughts here. When I really need to purge I usually spill my guts on my personal recorder. Recently, with all that’s going on it’s become my best friend, and the ear I so desperately need. The following is an excerpt of my recent thoughts, [/unedited]:

“I have been lost. I have been living in the realm of fear, doubt, self-loathing…I have been fearing. But not only fearing, doubting that I could be the man I know I can be; and it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating because all my life I have doubted myself. I’ve doubted my worth. I’ve doubted that I could ever make a difference—when in fact I have made differences. I have touched people’s lives. I have made them see, and dream and believe that they can be and do anything their little hearts can dream. I have built people from the ground up. I’ve encouraged them. I’ve pushed them. I’ve allowed them to see the them even they couldn’t see. But I’ve never been able to do that for myself. Why…because it is so hard to see yourself when you’re looking through a foggy mirror. It’s so hard to see yourself and believe that you can do the very things that you encourage other people to do…

“No one teaches you how to love yourself. They teach you how to take care of yourself. They teach you the difference between right and wrong, don’t talk back, don’t do that, don’t look at people that way. Don’t say that about others. But they don’t teach you how to love yourself. They don’t give you the blueprint. Your parents don’t. Your friends don’t. Nobody. What they teach you is to love outsiders; to love other people. They teach you to externalize love; to reach out, outside of yourself and grab and hold onto something and love it with all your might. With all you can. But again, they don’t teach you to love yourself; to understand yourself; to be there for yourself.

"All my life I’ve externalized…and I have loved others like I have never loved before…and I have trusted others like I have never trusted before. But when it came to self…when it came to loving and understanding self, I found myself lost…not knowing where to turn, where to go, or even worse, where I’ve come from.

“But today is my day. I’m going to start something new. I’m going to stop externalizing. I’m going to stop worrying about what others think of Chris, and what others believe Chris should do. And I’m going to start embracing Chris. I’m going to start seeing the good Chris has to offer. I’m going to start seeing the man that Chris is. In order to do this I have to shut down. I have to block out, and I have to stand up, finally, for the first time in my life and be a man. For my own protection…”

A few days ago I asked the question: do the little things in your life work. After contemplating and realizing one too many ‘little things’ weren’t working, I made a promise to adjust accordingly. Not because life is too short, or because it sounds like the right thing to do—no, I based my decision solely on my desire to live the best life I can live, with as little stress and outside influence as humanly possible. An intimidating task, but I do believe quite possible.

Today’s thoughts come as a result of the second question I promised to ponder: what am I willing to sacrifice to be who I really am. After much thought I have reached the following conclusion: everything. For truly, what shall it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul?

How I live my life, how I spend my time, how I relate to you and the world is all inextricably tied to who I am. And my dream—my desire—is to be the kind of man I can be fully proud of.

That's it. That's my wish.

"Can I blow out my candles now?"